A Blessing in Disguise

            You would think when someone first says the word "blessing", they are talking about religion. That's not entirely true. Some people that don't believe in god still have some sort of faith they believe in, and that would be themselves. I believe in god, I feel  that he exists in my heart, and he is here to help me become a better person. I've gone through a lot of rough situations, such as the bullying, family deaths, my sexual assault, my anxiety disorder, ptsd, and stomach problems. I always tell myself though that others have it worse. There is always other people out there who have gone through a worse situation than I have. I shouldn't always feel so pessimistic, and down on myself. What happened, happened. I can't change my past I can only change my future by being a better person. My recent breakup with Eddie has been a real rough situation for me. It's been nothing but drama since June. We were constantly on, and off. I just couldn't take it anymore i'm glad it's finally over. Was i depressed on how we can't be together? Yes, incredibly depressed. I couldn't stop crying and shaking from it. The weird thing is though, Eddie is a blessing in disguise. How? It's because he helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I alchemize the situation as seeing this as a learning experience.

             I first met Eddie in the end of April 2013, at my best friend Chris's house. We instantly clicked. We both just connected with each other. We started talking more, and then just started dating. It was like a miracle for me. I finally found a guy who was going to save me from this constant nightmare of fear i face everyday from my last experience. He would take me to the movies, the beach, the mall, and tell me how much he loved me, and how i was  blessing to him. He was dating this girl who use to hit him, yell at him, cheat on him. You name it she did it. She as nothing but a witch. He would say i was his gift from god he prayed for to have him find a girl who wouldn't hurt him, and only love him. I was falling in love with him. He was everything i desired my prince to be. Sadly, the fairy tale came to an end. He went back to his abusive ex girlfriend. It was nonstop drama from there on. Ugh the threats  the nasty messages i would get from him his friends her and his sister.. Ridiculous! It was just too much i couldn't take it anymore! They broke up twice this summer and he came back to me saying how he missed me, and wanted to be with me. Just more lies, and scars on my heart. He did it again. Left me for her. I really thought Eddie was just confused. In early September he hung himself in his room. He didn't die, the rope broke. I was praying for him during that time that he would get better, and that god would protect him. Maybe my prayer was answered that night? He came to Revere telling me how he's never going to talk to her again, and that he was thinking about dating again with me. Turns out it was just another lie. He blew me off for two weeks to go hang out with her. I messaged him saying he lied to me, and that i want my two designer hoodies back, that i let him borrow. He yelled at me saying he never led me on that day.. He held my hand, grabbed be by the waste, took me out for lunch, asked me to sit on his lap to hold me as i held his hand, and asked about dating again in the future... He called e a liar and then had his witch of an ex started sending me nasty messages threatening me. I just want my two designer hoodies back or seriously i think i should involve the police because this is ridiculous. I haven't done any wrong. All i did was just try and love him, and help him. This is the thanks i get. I hate feeling this way. He's become one of my new fears. I'm afraid of him. He went from being my prince to a nightmare. How could someone just do this?

              When my friend Will comes back from Florida, he told me he would take me up to Beverly MA, to get my two designer hoodies back. My feelings for Eddie are gone. I now see that he wasn't a prince. Just a lesson learned experience. Even though there was so much that went on, this was actually a good thing that happened. It's helped me want to become a stronger person, and not just fall for the guy i first meet. I feel like just starting new with myself. I want to get a makeover. I want to dye my hair the little mermaid red color, get tattoos, buy more forever 21 clothes. I want a sexy bad-ass look that says you can't mess with me. I've just learned not to put up my walls or have them all down. Instead i created a draw bridge that allows people i care about and trust into my world. I also learned how i can't keep putting others needs before mine. This was my blessing in disguise, what's yours?

"Never let the fear of striking out keep from playing the game." - Hilary Duff <3

#RipJeddieLee

Psychological Alchemy

We’re always going through changes, 

a metamorphosis,

growing up a bit, 

 Rugrats to Law & Order,

and constantly evolving,

Pikachu to Raichu.

Everyday we learn more about ourselves,

whether it's from nature,

the people around us,

or just apart of the metamorphosis,

we live,

we laugh,

we love,

we grow,

we become one with ourselves,

were whole,

not everyone is going to like us,

everyone sees things in a different perspective,

what do you see when you look in a mirror,

a lion,

a tiger,

a bear,

oh my

it's you,

the self you've created,

the image you want to be seen as,

we are who we are,

and were here to stay,

become one with nature,

and ourselves.