A Day in the Life of Me

                            Every morning is the same. I wake up to my alarm clock and immediately feel nauseous. Some mornings i throw up. Others, i just get pains in my left side of the stomach area. It sucks to have an anxiety disorder. People really don't know how good they have it until it's gone. Your health is very valuable. I wish i was healthy so i could enjoy huge ihop breakfasts. Instead my morning breakfasts have to be cereal or oatmeal. Which get very boring after a while. Yesterday, October 8, 2013, I couldn't attend my Reading class at Bunker Hill, because of all the throwing up i was doing. Sleep was the only thing that helped. I slept from seven A.M. til twelve P.M. My stomach felt more calm, so i decided to get ready for my four o'clock therapy appointment. I went from looking like a dying patient to a lovely teenager. All thanks to makeup and style.

                            I grabbed my purse and head out the door to the Mass General Hospital. I planned on taking the bus to the train station there, turns out i had just missed it. Drats! If i wanted to take the next bus it would come in a half hour. Seriously? A half hour for a bus. That's crazy! I was afraid i was going to be late for the appointment, because i only had twenty minutes left to arrive there. I power walked my way there to the train station and got off at the second stop to where the hospital is located, and i made it just in time. Few! So i talked to my therapist about how I've been feeling, and what's been bothering me. I always struggle with my anxiety from past events, like my attack i mentioned in a previous post. I'm currently taking anti depressants now to help decrease my stress and fear.

                            After that appointment, i had to go to a group night. It's where i go for counseling. It's called the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. Barcc for short. Group night i always look forward to attending, because i get to meet other teenagers who have gone through a similar situation i have. I get to hear their stories, understand that i'm not alone, and get to meet wonderful people who are here today. My counselor is amazing. She runs group night and helps us talk about our fears, and finding happiness from it all. Since it's around dinner time when we all attend there, she buys us pizza, salad, soda, and candy so were're not there hungry. She's very kind, noble, and understanding. She has been helping me since January, 2013. She has helped inspire me to become a counselor for teens.  

                            Group always ends at seven, so after my long day of  opening myself up to two different therapists, i got to take the train home and relax. I was so happy that my stomach felt better than from what is was earlier in the day. To be honest, that pizza was the only real food i had had that whole day. Scary, i know. I lost a lot of weight because of my anxiety disorder. I went from being 140 pounds to 102. i feel disgusted with myself. Especially every time i look at myself in the mirror. I shouldn't look like this. This isn't me. I want to look heavier. The throwing up doesn't help the situation at all! It only makes it worse, yet there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait until my metabolism slows down. Once i get home i get into my pajamas, and watch Law and Order Special Victim's Unit, while messaging some friends on my phone.

                            I didn't go to bed til 12:15 A.M. It takes me a while to fall asleep, because i just have so many thoughts racing through my head at once. It's hard to comprehend some of them at times. They can be either pleasant or unpleasant. Sadly i can't control them. Another flaw attached towards my anxiety disorder. I pretty much just lay there until i drift away. That's one of the day's i usually go through. No i don't always miss my classes because of my stomach, happens occasionally. Never frequently! Some days i go out, hang with friends, go on dates, do homework, watch movies, or draw. Yesterday was just blah. I enjoy talking out my feelings, but i didn't like how i had to do both appointments on one day where i was sick. So yeah this is what it was like for a day to be me. What's your day like?

                                                 

When I stop, I notice...

                                                                 When I stop, I notice...

The clouds move,

the birds chirp,

the waves crash,

the railroad tracks raddle,

The cars beep,

the sewer leaks,

the sun shines,

the squirrels leap,

the phones ring,

the leaves from the trees blow pass me in the wind,

the sky changes color,

But,

the people keep going,

they don't stop,

unless they have the signal,

to drive,

or

to walk,

one can only imagine where they are headed,

work,

school,

home,

the mall,

the park,

the movies,

the market,

the hospital,

anywhere,

when i stop, i notice...

it doesn't matter where they go,

what matters is where i go,

what path am i on,

what are my goals,

what are my plans,

what can i do to better myself,

i ask,

only i know the answer,

I live in the moment,

i feel the moment,

do you?