Gratitude

           We all need to stop and think for a second. All of us obviously don't live like Bill Gates or Kourtney Kardashian; living the dream life without ever having to worry about financial problems. However, we all take things for granted. There are people who wish they could be in our shoes everyday. People who live in homeless shelters, live in foreign countries like Africa or The Philippines. They wish they could be us. Have a place to call home, nice clothes to wear, an education, good health, insurance, money, FOOD, a job, a family, a car, and the list goes on. We take things for granted everyday.

            What do I tend to take for granted? A lot of things. I wish i had more clothes, and technology in my house. I also wish i had more money. sometimes i don't realize how good i actually have it here. Like i said before, there are tons of people who would trade places with me in seconds! I have a really nice life and i need to appreciate it that more instead of look at the negative sides of it. Actually, everybody in America who lives good takes things for granted. Someone who doesn't appreciate their mother cleaning up after them, or a friend going out of their way to make them a birthday card. Don't forget that one grandparent who sends you money every Christmas with a letter. One day you won't have that anymore and you will look back and realize wow i took that for granted.

            What am i grateful for? I am grateful for the family i live with and the nice big warm house. I am most thankful for the beautiful clothes i own, along with the room i sleep in. The food my dad brings home, and my mom cooks every night for dinner. I am grateful for my health, and beauty along with my education and advantage to go to school everyday. I am thankful for the things my dad pays for me like my tuition, cellphone bill, medicine, food, birthday and Christmas presents. One more thing that i am grateful for is being alive. Life is a very precious thing that i think everybody takes for granted. A lot of people commit suicide everyday. I for one will not. I was born for a reason i am going to live my life and become a glorious person.

Gratitude Haiku 

Life is important

Thank the people around you

 Never give up hope

Fear and Obstacles

       My greatest fear i face everyday is getting sexually assaulted again. I always feel like it's going to happen again. I'm always paranoid about it. I feel like there is someone always watching me when i'm outside and i don't like it one bit! To be honest i'm really not sure if i'll ever be able to conquer this fear of mine. My second fear is of bugs. I have a phobia of bugs. I can't stand them! They are gross, creepy, and vile little creatures that could give me a disease! Bees, horse flies, head lice, and mosquitoes are the worst! Ew! They just freak me out when they are near me.

      To be honest, I'm not sure if i can look past them to move forward on my journey in life. I live with anxiety everyday thinking i'm going to be a victim again. I always make sure i am safe when i am outside, but it's hard. Most days i'd rather just stay home all day because i know i'll be safe here. However, i do not let that interfere with my life. I go outside for walks, go shopping, go to school, appointments, friends houses, the movies, etc. I just stay alert at all times. Maybe i'll be able to look past my phobia of bugs when i am older, but for now they are gross. I've never liked them! That buzzing noise they make gives me the shrills of disgust! I like spiders because they kill bugs.

        Usually when i am sad or feel afraid i try to think of the three assets of mine. I have a bubbly personality that can always help a friend or family member cheer up. I'm good at making people happy, laugh, and just have a good time. I'm very creative. I love to act, rap, draw, make movies, and write stories. I have fun while doing it, and make people happy from it. Especially when i draw them posters. I'm very loyal. I try my best not to break my promises, and always try to help the people i care most about out. Thinking of these three assets i possess help make me feel better about myself, and not let what i am afraid of bother me.

       I'm not sure why i can't just wake up one day and not be afraid of bugs, and forget about my attack. If i could then i could be fearless. Sadly they are just there and i don't know how to get rid of them. I can't control my fears, but i can help make myself feel safe by thinking of the three assets of mine. That's sort of my way on the healthy process on dealing with my fears. I'm not a baby, i'm a survivor. I'm not a loser, i'm a winner.

The Battle of Fear

Everyday be a struggle

one starts to hussle

back to the game

and it may sound lame

because hope is just a lie

and you might just die

oh my my my

don't stress all the time

because everyone gotta story

and you ain't the only one

question is are you done

thinking it's all about you

with stressing about you

and complaining about you

saying

you won't make it

but you need to quit it

and get with the program

because this is life

so put down the knife

and stand up tall

because you're the mall

you stand tall and large

and let no one get in your way

because that's just fear

and you don't need that dear

so wipe those tears

and say goodbye to all your fears

because you are strong and will go far

It's the battle of fear that you keep inside

so let it all out and rise above

peace.

A Day in the Life of Me

                            Every morning is the same. I wake up to my alarm clock and immediately feel nauseous. Some mornings i throw up. Others, i just get pains in my left side of the stomach area. It sucks to have an anxiety disorder. People really don't know how good they have it until it's gone. Your health is very valuable. I wish i was healthy so i could enjoy huge ihop breakfasts. Instead my morning breakfasts have to be cereal or oatmeal. Which get very boring after a while. Yesterday, October 8, 2013, I couldn't attend my Reading class at Bunker Hill, because of all the throwing up i was doing. Sleep was the only thing that helped. I slept from seven A.M. til twelve P.M. My stomach felt more calm, so i decided to get ready for my four o'clock therapy appointment. I went from looking like a dying patient to a lovely teenager. All thanks to makeup and style.

                            I grabbed my purse and head out the door to the Mass General Hospital. I planned on taking the bus to the train station there, turns out i had just missed it. Drats! If i wanted to take the next bus it would come in a half hour. Seriously? A half hour for a bus. That's crazy! I was afraid i was going to be late for the appointment, because i only had twenty minutes left to arrive there. I power walked my way there to the train station and got off at the second stop to where the hospital is located, and i made it just in time. Few! So i talked to my therapist about how I've been feeling, and what's been bothering me. I always struggle with my anxiety from past events, like my attack i mentioned in a previous post. I'm currently taking anti depressants now to help decrease my stress and fear.

                            After that appointment, i had to go to a group night. It's where i go for counseling. It's called the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. Barcc for short. Group night i always look forward to attending, because i get to meet other teenagers who have gone through a similar situation i have. I get to hear their stories, understand that i'm not alone, and get to meet wonderful people who are here today. My counselor is amazing. She runs group night and helps us talk about our fears, and finding happiness from it all. Since it's around dinner time when we all attend there, she buys us pizza, salad, soda, and candy so were're not there hungry. She's very kind, noble, and understanding. She has been helping me since January, 2013. She has helped inspire me to become a counselor for teens.  

                            Group always ends at seven, so after my long day of  opening myself up to two different therapists, i got to take the train home and relax. I was so happy that my stomach felt better than from what is was earlier in the day. To be honest, that pizza was the only real food i had had that whole day. Scary, i know. I lost a lot of weight because of my anxiety disorder. I went from being 140 pounds to 102. i feel disgusted with myself. Especially every time i look at myself in the mirror. I shouldn't look like this. This isn't me. I want to look heavier. The throwing up doesn't help the situation at all! It only makes it worse, yet there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait until my metabolism slows down. Once i get home i get into my pajamas, and watch Law and Order Special Victim's Unit, while messaging some friends on my phone.

                            I didn't go to bed til 12:15 A.M. It takes me a while to fall asleep, because i just have so many thoughts racing through my head at once. It's hard to comprehend some of them at times. They can be either pleasant or unpleasant. Sadly i can't control them. Another flaw attached towards my anxiety disorder. I pretty much just lay there until i drift away. That's one of the day's i usually go through. No i don't always miss my classes because of my stomach, happens occasionally. Never frequently! Some days i go out, hang with friends, go on dates, do homework, watch movies, or draw. Yesterday was just blah. I enjoy talking out my feelings, but i didn't like how i had to do both appointments on one day where i was sick. So yeah this is what it was like for a day to be me. What's your day like?

                                                 

When I stop, I notice...

                                                                 When I stop, I notice...

The clouds move,

the birds chirp,

the waves crash,

the railroad tracks raddle,

The cars beep,

the sewer leaks,

the sun shines,

the squirrels leap,

the phones ring,

the leaves from the trees blow pass me in the wind,

the sky changes color,

But,

the people keep going,

they don't stop,

unless they have the signal,

to drive,

or

to walk,

one can only imagine where they are headed,

work,

school,

home,

the mall,

the park,

the movies,

the market,

the hospital,

anywhere,

when i stop, i notice...

it doesn't matter where they go,

what matters is where i go,

what path am i on,

what are my goals,

what are my plans,

what can i do to better myself,

i ask,

only i know the answer,

I live in the moment,

i feel the moment,

do you?

A Blessing in Disguise

            You would think when someone first says the word "blessing", they are talking about religion. That's not entirely true. Some people that don't believe in god still have some sort of faith they believe in, and that would be themselves. I believe in god, I feel  that he exists in my heart, and he is here to help me become a better person. I've gone through a lot of rough situations, such as the bullying, family deaths, my sexual assault, my anxiety disorder, ptsd, and stomach problems. I always tell myself though that others have it worse. There is always other people out there who have gone through a worse situation than I have. I shouldn't always feel so pessimistic, and down on myself. What happened, happened. I can't change my past I can only change my future by being a better person. My recent breakup with Eddie has been a real rough situation for me. It's been nothing but drama since June. We were constantly on, and off. I just couldn't take it anymore i'm glad it's finally over. Was i depressed on how we can't be together? Yes, incredibly depressed. I couldn't stop crying and shaking from it. The weird thing is though, Eddie is a blessing in disguise. How? It's because he helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I alchemize the situation as seeing this as a learning experience.

             I first met Eddie in the end of April 2013, at my best friend Chris's house. We instantly clicked. We both just connected with each other. We started talking more, and then just started dating. It was like a miracle for me. I finally found a guy who was going to save me from this constant nightmare of fear i face everyday from my last experience. He would take me to the movies, the beach, the mall, and tell me how much he loved me, and how i was  blessing to him. He was dating this girl who use to hit him, yell at him, cheat on him. You name it she did it. She as nothing but a witch. He would say i was his gift from god he prayed for to have him find a girl who wouldn't hurt him, and only love him. I was falling in love with him. He was everything i desired my prince to be. Sadly, the fairy tale came to an end. He went back to his abusive ex girlfriend. It was nonstop drama from there on. Ugh the threats  the nasty messages i would get from him his friends her and his sister.. Ridiculous! It was just too much i couldn't take it anymore! They broke up twice this summer and he came back to me saying how he missed me, and wanted to be with me. Just more lies, and scars on my heart. He did it again. Left me for her. I really thought Eddie was just confused. In early September he hung himself in his room. He didn't die, the rope broke. I was praying for him during that time that he would get better, and that god would protect him. Maybe my prayer was answered that night? He came to Revere telling me how he's never going to talk to her again, and that he was thinking about dating again with me. Turns out it was just another lie. He blew me off for two weeks to go hang out with her. I messaged him saying he lied to me, and that i want my two designer hoodies back, that i let him borrow. He yelled at me saying he never led me on that day.. He held my hand, grabbed be by the waste, took me out for lunch, asked me to sit on his lap to hold me as i held his hand, and asked about dating again in the future... He called e a liar and then had his witch of an ex started sending me nasty messages threatening me. I just want my two designer hoodies back or seriously i think i should involve the police because this is ridiculous. I haven't done any wrong. All i did was just try and love him, and help him. This is the thanks i get. I hate feeling this way. He's become one of my new fears. I'm afraid of him. He went from being my prince to a nightmare. How could someone just do this?

              When my friend Will comes back from Florida, he told me he would take me up to Beverly MA, to get my two designer hoodies back. My feelings for Eddie are gone. I now see that he wasn't a prince. Just a lesson learned experience. Even though there was so much that went on, this was actually a good thing that happened. It's helped me want to become a stronger person, and not just fall for the guy i first meet. I feel like just starting new with myself. I want to get a makeover. I want to dye my hair the little mermaid red color, get tattoos, buy more forever 21 clothes. I want a sexy bad-ass look that says you can't mess with me. I've just learned not to put up my walls or have them all down. Instead i created a draw bridge that allows people i care about and trust into my world. I also learned how i can't keep putting others needs before mine. This was my blessing in disguise, what's yours?

"Never let the fear of striking out keep from playing the game." - Hilary Duff <3

#RipJeddieLee

Psychological Alchemy

We’re always going through changes, 

a metamorphosis,

growing up a bit, 

 Rugrats to Law & Order,

and constantly evolving,

Pikachu to Raichu.

Everyday we learn more about ourselves,

whether it's from nature,

the people around us,

or just apart of the metamorphosis,

we live,

we laugh,

we love,

we grow,

we become one with ourselves,

were whole,

not everyone is going to like us,

everyone sees things in a different perspective,

what do you see when you look in a mirror,

a lion,

a tiger,

a bear,

oh my

it's you,

the self you've created,

the image you want to be seen as,

we are who we are,

and were here to stay,

become one with nature,

and ourselves.